Amazing That Spell-Check Didn't Catch It!

I join many who are concerned about gun violence in the U.S.
Recently, I took it upon myself to write a satirical summary of
recent media reports on the dramatic surge of national gun
sales. What follows is a comprehensive compilation of a very
complicated issue.

A gum-buying surge appears to be unparalleled, with crowds
jumping the gum and flocking to area gum shows. According
to gum-maker industry executives, buyers deluge stores in
search of unusually potent varieties of gums as well as high
capacity chewing gum packs. All this fervor, even allowing for
the normal escalation in gum sales that predictably follow
increases in gas prices.

All in all, this represents a pretty dramatic uptick in demand
within just one month. The National Gum Association (NGA)
says that of special note are the record runs on "military-style"
gums (products intentionally augmented with special whiteners
and brighteners) that assault teeth with a promise to eliminate
"problems" overnight. It seems that some will do whatever it
takes to become top gum.

Certain outlets report that the highest sale of gums are those
sold in high-capacity canisters designed for the Chiclets A48's
holding as many as fifty-three gums at a time!

All this "emptying shelves market fury" is leading got a consumer
demand for sweeping proposals to revise existing gum control
laws such as:

    -Even more stringent background checks.
    -Prior to purchases, conduct on-site customer exams with
     special attention given to those persons with loose teeth, unstable
     dentures, serious overbite, etc.
    -Improved gum-ingredient laboratory analysis with specific
     attention given to higher-than-normal levels of chicle.

Meanwhile, gums continue to literally shoot off the shelves and
fly out the door in spite of strong and persistent gum lobby opposition.

Chew on that!


                          *Brands included in this market survey-report:
                                 Bazooka, Zapp, Turbo, Big Red, Cinnaburst,
                                 Dentyne, Doublemint, Double Bubbel, Eclipse,
                                 Chiclets, Excel, Freedent, Hubba Bubba,
                                 Hoodia, Orbit, Tidalwave, and Trident.