Minnesota Fat Cat writes his yearly column: (He is not quite as cranky as last year, enduring the polar vortex that was stuck above his burrow.)
It has been a year since I last wrote to you, my trusted and sometimes ornery friends. Yes, I know - today is the day groundhogs across the country are supposed to predict when spring will arrive by emerging from our cozy dens and checking out our shadows. Alas, with climate change altering the weather map so drastically, any predicting that we might attempt is about as accurate as those meteorologists predicting a New York City blizzard.
Yesterday as is my custom, I watched the Super Bowl. The big controversy this year was over the inflation level of the footballs. Deflategate, I'd call it. Some folks don't seem to have anything better to do than to mess with the footballs - or spend endless media time discussing the whole scandal - which was more exciting than the game itself. Next year, maybe the focus will be on the size of big toes used for the kickoff. How trivial can you get!
Nevertheless, I gathered together my favorite snacks and settled in before my television. Eating seems to be the most cogent ritual associated with the big event. A groundhog can't eat enough unhealthy food on such occasions. Same to all of you who did likewise on Sunday.
Fortunately, only humans have been the target for this obesity scam. Eat this, don't eat this, eat that, don't eat that. Who can keep track of the latest edict anyway. I mean, we groundhogs have to keep our weight up so that we look all sweet and cuddly. Who would listen to a scrawny groundhog on the 2nd of February? It would just set off another media blitz. Which then would distract from the importance of shadow-observing and non-observing.
Actually, this winter here has not given us much to complain about. Video clips of the Northeastern part of the country have been another story. There, driving has become like dominos. Who can create the largest number of cars, SUVs, trucks, and semis piled up and obstructing the traffic flow? If humans were as smart as I am, they wouldn't be out driving around in such bad road conditions. (I just park my Maserati for the winter's duration. Saves getting salt in its underparts). They'd stay home, watch PBS, or do sudoku and crossroad puzzles. Or settle in with a good book.
And they wouldn't get measles form those unvaccinated children either. If you get lonely, send out a flurry of emails and you will be connected - just like that. Even to my cousin Phil in Pennsylvania.
Speaking of books, lately I have been reading about rivers. A fascinating topic for groundhogs since we tend to avoid rivers like the plague.
Speaking of climate change, listening to climate change denying rallies is like watching the Ku Klux Klan in its heyday. Speakers (and floods of printed media) prey on people's fears. No, not fears of some apocalyptic world that has become inhabitable. Fears of unemployment have been the ticket. Want to scare someone - preach the loss of jobs.
And fears of government regulation. Even a groundhog such as me can see the fallacy in their arguments. It is a given that energy is needed to run the world - why not try sunshine and all those other clean sources? I say, keep your nose to the ground and you can't go wrong. And don't get into this fracking business - a terrible means of destruction of the underground.
And all that gun violence? Believe you me, that's another thing to pay attention to. I don't take kindly to all those guns. Shooting up schools is not fair play - and the solution does not lie in issuing every kid a gun. Nor is hunting groundhogs for sport fair play. Horrors!
As for all the warring and hate directed at anyone who is different. What kind of world would it be if there were only groundhogs. No coyotes or wolves. No squirrels or rabbits. No deer or elk. And for that matter, no humans.
I rest my case.
Monday, February 2, 2015
Friday, January 30, 2015
GREAT SCOTT ! ! COULD IT REALLY BE ? ?
On the average, at least once a day (for some folks it may be more) it comes to my attention that each square of our "septic safe" toilet paper tissue has become quite small. The shrinkage may have happened gradually. Usually, I don't pay much attention to things like that.
BUTT, this is of major concern and may have many ramifications. (Come to think about it, does the word "butt" have one or two t's?)
So, I carefully measured a square of tissue paper from the current supply. Here is what I discovered . . .
The piece measured: 4 1/8th inches in width and 3 5/8's inches in length.
Furthermore, the square of tissue is very flimsy. I seem to remember that the individual tissues to have been quite hefty. No wonder then that I now have to unroll at least three thicknesses to do an adequate job. And then, I discovered that the diameter of each toilet paper tube is considerably wider. For a moment, I entertained the possibility that this larger diameter was just for the one I had measured at random. So, I went down on my knees and pulled out another roll from the lower storage cabinet.
The diameter was identical . . . Amazing !
Becoming ever curious, I went to the Internet and Googled to see if other folks were experiencing the same phenomena.
THEY WERE . . . ALL ACROSS THE COUNTRY.
Several web sites agreed that the changes had indeed occurred and that people are simply abuzz.
The original tissue-square size had been 4 1/2 inches by 4 1/2 inches. An actual square!
Furthermore, it was reported by users that the tube size had significantly increased in diameter.
I wonder if SCOTT is aware of all of this and have any corporate long or short-term plans to return back to the original product and, this time, call it "SCOTT'S ORIGINAL."
That might possibly even give a boost to both on-line and in-store sales!
BUTT, this is of major concern and may have many ramifications. (Come to think about it, does the word "butt" have one or two t's?)
So, I carefully measured a square of tissue paper from the current supply. Here is what I discovered . . .
The piece measured: 4 1/8th inches in width and 3 5/8's inches in length.
Furthermore, the square of tissue is very flimsy. I seem to remember that the individual tissues to have been quite hefty. No wonder then that I now have to unroll at least three thicknesses to do an adequate job. And then, I discovered that the diameter of each toilet paper tube is considerably wider. For a moment, I entertained the possibility that this larger diameter was just for the one I had measured at random. So, I went down on my knees and pulled out another roll from the lower storage cabinet.
The diameter was identical . . . Amazing !
Becoming ever curious, I went to the Internet and Googled to see if other folks were experiencing the same phenomena.
THEY WERE . . . ALL ACROSS THE COUNTRY.
Several web sites agreed that the changes had indeed occurred and that people are simply abuzz.
The original tissue-square size had been 4 1/2 inches by 4 1/2 inches. An actual square!
Furthermore, it was reported by users that the tube size had significantly increased in diameter.
I wonder if SCOTT is aware of all of this and have any corporate long or short-term plans to return back to the original product and, this time, call it "SCOTT'S ORIGINAL."
That might possibly even give a boost to both on-line and in-store sales!
Sunday, January 25, 2015
UNPRECEDENTED GUM-BUYING SURGE REPORTED (A satirical writing)
(I have been very upset about all the shootings, and the worship of guns and weapons in our country
and across the world. I know that I am not the only one . . .
This satirical writing is one way that I try to deal with my feelings, by trying to be humorous. I hope is
is not offensive.) -Clem J. Nagel
Market Analysts report an unparalleled nation-wide surge in the purchase of gum with crowds flocking to area "gum shows."
Brands included in the Market Report Analysis include: Bazooka, Big Red, Cinnaburst,
Dentyne, Doublemint, Dubbie Bubble, EclipIce, Excel, Freedent, Hubba Bubba, Hoodia
Gum, Orbit, Tidalwave, Trident, Turbo, and Zapp Gum.
According to gum-maker industry executives, buyers are deluging stores in search of unusually potent varieties of gum as well as high capacity chewing gum packs. All this, even allowing for spikes in gum sales that predictably follow increases in gas prices. This dramatic uptick in demand comes within just the last month.
The National Gum Association (NGA) says that of special note are the record runs on "military-style' gums (products augmented with special whiteners and brighteners) that assault teeth with promises to wipe out and eliminate "problems" overnight. Some outlets report the highest sale of gum are those in high-capacity canisters designed for the Chiclet A48's that can hold as many as 48 gums at a time.
All this emptying of shelves market-fury is leading consumer demands for sweeping proposals to revise existing gum control laws. Included are: more strict background checks prior to purchase; on-site customer exams with special attention given to loose teeth, unstable dentures, and serious overbite.
Improved gum ingredient monitoring is also recommended for future research with specific attention given to higher-than-normal levels of guar gum.
Other future areas of needed gum research are: effects on the alimentary canal from swallowing gum; and how long various brands of gum will perform at optimum efficiency following repeated use.
Meanwhile, gum continues to literally shoot off the shelves and fly out the door in spite of ever-present
and persistent (NGA) gum lobbyist opposition.
CHEW ON THAT!
and across the world. I know that I am not the only one . . .
This satirical writing is one way that I try to deal with my feelings, by trying to be humorous. I hope is
is not offensive.) -Clem J. Nagel
Market Analysts report an unparalleled nation-wide surge in the purchase of gum with crowds flocking to area "gum shows."
Brands included in the Market Report Analysis include: Bazooka, Big Red, Cinnaburst,
Dentyne, Doublemint, Dubbie Bubble, EclipIce, Excel, Freedent, Hubba Bubba, Hoodia
Gum, Orbit, Tidalwave, Trident, Turbo, and Zapp Gum.
According to gum-maker industry executives, buyers are deluging stores in search of unusually potent varieties of gum as well as high capacity chewing gum packs. All this, even allowing for spikes in gum sales that predictably follow increases in gas prices. This dramatic uptick in demand comes within just the last month.
The National Gum Association (NGA) says that of special note are the record runs on "military-style' gums (products augmented with special whiteners and brighteners) that assault teeth with promises to wipe out and eliminate "problems" overnight. Some outlets report the highest sale of gum are those in high-capacity canisters designed for the Chiclet A48's that can hold as many as 48 gums at a time.
All this emptying of shelves market-fury is leading consumer demands for sweeping proposals to revise existing gum control laws. Included are: more strict background checks prior to purchase; on-site customer exams with special attention given to loose teeth, unstable dentures, and serious overbite.
Improved gum ingredient monitoring is also recommended for future research with specific attention given to higher-than-normal levels of guar gum.
Other future areas of needed gum research are: effects on the alimentary canal from swallowing gum; and how long various brands of gum will perform at optimum efficiency following repeated use.
Meanwhile, gum continues to literally shoot off the shelves and fly out the door in spite of ever-present
and persistent (NGA) gum lobbyist opposition.
CHEW ON THAT!
Wednesday, January 14, 2015
THE 51ST ANNIVERSARY OF A LANDMARK SURGEON GENERAL REPORT !
It was January of 1964, I was a graduate student at the Wesley Theological Seminary in Washington, D.C. and it was announced that the U.S. Surgeon General, Luther Terry, was going to give an address at Baltimore's Johns Hopkins University that coming Saturday, January 11th.
His subject: the health risks of smoking. There was no question about it . . . I was going to attend!
Ever since childhood, I have been death against smoking. My mom and dad smoked and I had serious asthma. I had such a hard time breathing, that at night I had to sleep propped up by pillows. I loved the out-of-doors and being able to get away from people who smoked. It seemed they were everywhere.
I arrived at the huge, medical school teaching auditorium where the presentation was to take place. I was so impressed by the state-of-the-art, multimedia screens and the theatre-like seating. There I was
in the midst of hundreds of doctors, nurses, medical staff and . . .
the entire room was filled with smoke.
It appeared that most of those who came to hear the report were habitual smokers. It was horrible, but I was determined to stay. And, I did. Luther Terry's address was most forthright, data-filled, and convincing. Huge photos of lung tissue (before and after smoking) filled the screens.
And the audience smoked through the whole 90 minutes. I was so relieved to be able to leave the building and return back to the out-of-doors.
I don't recall if Luther Terry smoked during his talk.
His subject: the health risks of smoking. There was no question about it . . . I was going to attend!
Ever since childhood, I have been death against smoking. My mom and dad smoked and I had serious asthma. I had such a hard time breathing, that at night I had to sleep propped up by pillows. I loved the out-of-doors and being able to get away from people who smoked. It seemed they were everywhere.
I arrived at the huge, medical school teaching auditorium where the presentation was to take place. I was so impressed by the state-of-the-art, multimedia screens and the theatre-like seating. There I was
in the midst of hundreds of doctors, nurses, medical staff and . . .
the entire room was filled with smoke.
It appeared that most of those who came to hear the report were habitual smokers. It was horrible, but I was determined to stay. And, I did. Luther Terry's address was most forthright, data-filled, and convincing. Huge photos of lung tissue (before and after smoking) filled the screens.
And the audience smoked through the whole 90 minutes. I was so relieved to be able to leave the building and return back to the out-of-doors.
I don't recall if Luther Terry smoked during his talk.
Wednesday, January 7, 2015
so small
Snowflake so small.
What do you amount to
in the midst of it all?
Have you ever made
a difference
all by yourself?
Of course
you have . . .
and will !
What do you amount to
in the midst of it all?
Have you ever made
a difference
all by yourself?
Of course
you have . . .
and will !
Thursday, January 1, 2015
Thursday, December 18, 2014
B U M B L E R S
On a cold day, early in November, I noticed
a lone bumblebee clinging to an outdoor window
screen. It was barely moving. Being so cold, I
knew that it would not bite me . . . so I stroked
its back ever so gently. Left alone, it tumbled to
the ground in the perennial flower garden and
found a secure crevice near the house's foundation
and disappeared.
B U M B L E R S
In summer
bumblebees
skim through
bundles of blooms.
They gather
sweet
syrups.
Load up
packs fo
yellow dust.
Come late fall . . .
a slowdown to
survive.
Hibernate on through
winter's
sting.
a lone bumblebee clinging to an outdoor window
screen. It was barely moving. Being so cold, I
knew that it would not bite me . . . so I stroked
its back ever so gently. Left alone, it tumbled to
the ground in the perennial flower garden and
found a secure crevice near the house's foundation
and disappeared.
B U M B L E R S
In summer
bumblebees
skim through
bundles of blooms.
They gather
sweet
syrups.
Load up
packs fo
yellow dust.
Come late fall . . .
a slowdown to
survive.
Hibernate on through
winter's
sting.
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