UNPRECEDENTED GUM-BUYING SURGE REPORTED (A satirical writing)

(I have been very upset about all the shootings, and the worship of guns and weapons in our country
  and across the world.  I know that I am not the only one . . .  
  This satirical writing is one way that I try to deal with my feelings, by trying to be humorous. I hope is
  is not offensive.)                      -Clem J. Nagel

Market Analysts report an unparalleled nation-wide surge in the purchase of gum with crowds flocking to area "gum shows."

        Brands included in the Market Report Analysis include: Bazooka, Big Red, Cinnaburst,
        Dentyne, Doublemint, Dubbie Bubble, EclipIce, Excel, Freedent, Hubba Bubba, Hoodia
        Gum, Orbit, Tidalwave, Trident, Turbo, and Zapp Gum.

According to gum-maker industry executives, buyers are deluging stores in search of unusually potent varieties of gum as well as high capacity chewing gum packs. All this, even allowing for spikes in gum sales that predictably follow increases in gas prices. This dramatic uptick in demand comes within just the last month.

The National Gum Association (NGA) says that of special note are the record runs on "military-style' gums (products augmented with special whiteners and brighteners) that assault teeth with promises to wipe out and eliminate "problems" overnight. Some outlets report the highest sale of gum are those in high-capacity canisters designed for the Chiclet A48's that can hold as many as 48 gums at a time.

All this emptying of shelves market-fury is leading consumer demands for sweeping proposals to revise existing gum control laws. Included are:  more strict background checks prior to purchase;  on-site customer exams with special attention given to loose teeth, unstable dentures, and serious overbite.
Improved gum ingredient monitoring is also recommended for future research with specific attention given to higher-than-normal levels of guar gum.

Other future areas of needed gum research are: effects on the alimentary canal from swallowing gum; and how long various brands of gum will perform at optimum efficiency following repeated use.

Meanwhile, gum continues to literally shoot off the shelves and fly out the door in spite of ever-present
and persistent (NGA) gum lobbyist opposition.

CHEW ON THAT!