Minnesota Fat Cat writes his yearly column: (He is not quite as cranky as last year, enduring the polar vortex that was stuck above his burrow.)
It has been a year since I last wrote to you, my trusted and sometimes ornery friends. Yes, I know - today is the day groundhogs across the country are supposed to predict when spring will arrive by emerging from our cozy dens and checking out our shadows. Alas, with climate change altering the weather map so drastically, any predicting that we might attempt is about as accurate as those meteorologists predicting a New York City blizzard.
Yesterday as is my custom, I watched the Super Bowl. The big controversy this year was over the inflation level of the footballs. Deflategate, I'd call it. Some folks don't seem to have anything better to do than to mess with the footballs - or spend endless media time discussing the whole scandal - which was more exciting than the game itself. Next year, maybe the focus will be on the size of big toes used for the kickoff. How trivial can you get!
Nevertheless, I gathered together my favorite snacks and settled in before my television. Eating seems to be the most cogent ritual associated with the big event. A groundhog can't eat enough unhealthy food on such occasions. Same to all of you who did likewise on Sunday.
Fortunately, only humans have been the target for this obesity scam. Eat this, don't eat this, eat that, don't eat that. Who can keep track of the latest edict anyway. I mean, we groundhogs have to keep our weight up so that we look all sweet and cuddly. Who would listen to a scrawny groundhog on the 2nd of February? It would just set off another media blitz. Which then would distract from the importance of shadow-observing and non-observing.
Actually, this winter here has not given us much to complain about. Video clips of the Northeastern part of the country have been another story. There, driving has become like dominos. Who can create the largest number of cars, SUVs, trucks, and semis piled up and obstructing the traffic flow? If humans were as smart as I am, they wouldn't be out driving around in such bad road conditions. (I just park my Maserati for the winter's duration. Saves getting salt in its underparts). They'd stay home, watch PBS, or do sudoku and crossroad puzzles. Or settle in with a good book.
And they wouldn't get measles form those unvaccinated children either. If you get lonely, send out a flurry of emails and you will be connected - just like that. Even to my cousin Phil in Pennsylvania.
Speaking of books, lately I have been reading about rivers. A fascinating topic for groundhogs since we tend to avoid rivers like the plague.
Speaking of climate change, listening to climate change denying rallies is like watching the Ku Klux Klan in its heyday. Speakers (and floods of printed media) prey on people's fears. No, not fears of some apocalyptic world that has become inhabitable. Fears of unemployment have been the ticket. Want to scare someone - preach the loss of jobs.
And fears of government regulation. Even a groundhog such as me can see the fallacy in their arguments. It is a given that energy is needed to run the world - why not try sunshine and all those other clean sources? I say, keep your nose to the ground and you can't go wrong. And don't get into this fracking business - a terrible means of destruction of the underground.
And all that gun violence? Believe you me, that's another thing to pay attention to. I don't take kindly to all those guns. Shooting up schools is not fair play - and the solution does not lie in issuing every kid a gun. Nor is hunting groundhogs for sport fair play. Horrors!
As for all the warring and hate directed at anyone who is different. What kind of world would it be if there were only groundhogs. No coyotes or wolves. No squirrels or rabbits. No deer or elk. And for that matter, no humans.
I rest my case.
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